October

I love words. I love reading words well written. I like writing words. Honest words. Words spoken in conversation with friends. Words that convey learning. Words spoken with intention. I wont get into ill spoken words though they certainly fly around too. What a gift when well chosen and true.

The Herb Conference in Black Mountain, NC was big. Interesting, fun, tiring, education filled, beauty-full. I learned a great deal, danced, walked, camped on a mountain side. Ate delicious local, organic meals lovingly prepared by someone else... Mmm... Then I visited friends in Asheville. Dude. I stayed in a Holiday Inn for $85 (after checking in at many other more conveniently located, fancier digs... Someone at one of the desks pointed me in this direction). Oh. The luxury! Clean sheets. Big beds. Hot baths in a nice tub. Hell, I even used a hair dryer for the first time in two years because well, it was there. Then on to Charlotte, NC to see friends because This Life is Blessed and Im going to Celebrate (Ok. I totally borrowed that from the singer Brett Dennen.) Stopping home, along the way home, to visit with friends, walk, tea and swim in a lake.

Now i am home again for a few weeks. I am actively working as the property manager. Working. Physical labor and some left brain activity as well. Phew. Thank god, I swear Ive been lilting to the right.. And this week I began volunteering at my childrens school.

I have someone coming to look at buying stuff tomorrow. And an antique fair to set up at in a few weeks.

My grandmother, Emma, is nearing the end of her life. Emma, Martini was her maiden name. When i divorced I took her name. 86 years old. She has volunteered at the hospital 26 years; up until two months ago. Walking there and back, a mile each way, two and three days a week. Now shes home, tired. Pancreatic Cancer and today she says 'I keep moving, you just gotta keep moving'. Shes tired. She knows. And shes thankful for a life well lived. And she cant believe the care and compassion she is receiving from the hospital and doctors she has lovingly worked for, for years. Well. Yeah. OK, Grandma. You're amazing. And i love you. I need to head there soon. November.

Hope this finds you well. Many blessings.

K

Monday.

Cob Grout - clay, sand, water.

We had such a nice weekend. Saturday, shopping for school project supplies. Popsicle sticks, cotton balls, random art supplies. It was nice to be together. Me and the kids. At 4 we met at a friends house for a little "pre-game" party before heading down to the beach for Earth Dance. Lots of beautiful people, drumming, dancing, hula hooping. Pygmy Marmosets (dressed in cute little dresses and matching panties. They are supposed to be her Service Animals. But she sells exotics... I need to research this. Regardless. Pygmy Marmosets = cute). Friends, children, teenagers, babies. Young, Old. Beautiful. Sandy, tired children on the way home. Talk of feeling like marshmallows.

Yesterday morning, pancakes. Plain and dark chocolate chip. Chocolate chip perfection in a cast iron pan. We spent the day building mobile displays for a book they have read in school The better portion of the day was gluing cotton balls (a blizzard) and making popsicle stick sleds. Then out to a movie. Upon returning home the three of us walked to a park. Well, my son rode his bike. Elle walked and I hula hooped. Returning home in the dark. Peaceful, tired. Pasta with Parmesan and Bed.

I am preparing to leave for a few days of travel. Friday I will be heading to Black Mountain North Carolina for the Southeast Women's Herbal Conference. I had wanted to go last year and this year I just am. Off on an adventure, myself. I am starting to see a pattern here.. ;) I hope to meet up with some friends along the way. I'm sure I will. They might be new friends, maybe some old friends. Friends. And women. Lots of strong women. On a mountain with a 20 acre lake. yeah.

Sticky Situations

These past few days I have been thinking about how we get stuck. Stuck in a job, stuck in a friendship, stuck in a relationship. Stuck of our own doing. Stuck because were afraid, don't know what else to do, don't know another way. As I continue to unstick myself, I see how it opens us up for growth, for movement, for joy. And i think about all the different ways we can hold ourselves back. Staying in a job you hate for years, or a lifetime because you need the money.You need the security. Or because really, you're terrified of change. Or maybe because you need the health insurance. (I bought health insurance this year. $1200. And now I am free to move about the cabin.) Staying in a marriage that is sucking the life out of you because its what you should do. Because you're afraid. Because you aren't sure you can make it on your own. And then one day, maybe, you choose to jump. And you learn that your really are strong, that you really can survive. That maybe the life you grew up thinking you're supposed to live is not the life that suits you best. That the choices you made at 18 or 25 or 30 are not the best decisions for you at 35 or 40 or 50.

When I read about the economy, people struggling to make it, people losing their houses, my heart goes out to them. I feel so fortunate to have what I have. I try to be thankful every day. But also, i feel so fortunate for the choices I have made. So many of us are living so close to the edge. Big mortgage, big car payment, big shopping. I remember reading years ago that most bankruptcies are only one paycheck away from being able to make ends meet. And i have often thought of what a friend said years ago 'the more you make, the more you spend'. And i think, what if more of us were living below our means. Building some sort of financial security instead of accumulating debt. Such a foreign concept to so many. Spending significantly less than what you make. Learning to be happy with what you have. Figuring out the differences between wants and needs. And hell, I have been there. Ive wondered how we were going to make ends meet. Ive laid in bed and worried about finances and debt. And then I think about Vicki Robin saying she 'doesn't worry about the economic boogieman'. What a freedom. What freedom to be able to stay home with your children if you choose. What freedom to be able to take time off from work. What freedom to be able to travel and work on yourself and your growth. To be able to take the time to figure out what it is you really want at the current stage of your life and what you think you would like your future to look like. What freedom to realize you don't have to buy the latest clothes, or technology or home furnishings. And then one of my favorites, when you do make conscious choices to spend money, feeling good about where and how you spend your money. Paying a friend for a massage. Taking care of my health and doing a little bit to support an awesome adventure. Buying an $8 print at a festival because the painting stops you in your tracks and the artist seems like a really cool woman. Paying your sweet neighbor, whose a single mom, to watch your dogs while you are off on a series of adventures. It costs less than boarding them and I feel good about giving money to her. Not spending money at the big box stores so that you can spend a little more on the things that matter to you. For me its organic, or massage, or travel. Building our savings so that when i figure out what it is i really want to do, I can do it. Do I want to buy this house one day? Maybe. Or maybe i will continue to rent until the children are grown and I can move somewhere new, somewhere exotic to me, and buy land. Or buy a veggie diesel school bus and travel out west. Live on a tropical island in a house with three walls. My children joining me on adventures and going on about their own lives. Its great to be able to dream and at the same time know that you can achieve your dreams. You really can. Dreams are subject to change but they are something to work towards. The things i can do because i opt out of $3 coffees, frequent eating out and 'shopping'.

I heard from someone last week who is beginning the journey of simplifying. He remarked how its much harder than he thought. And yeah, sometimes it really is. Sometimes its really hard to sit and examine every little thing when you are so used to just going on auto pilot. Sometimes when you wake up its really hard to sit and examine the mistakes you have made. Sometimes its really hard to change all the patterns you've come to repeat so well. I think about my ex who said not long ago 'well yeah but when we were married you shopped, you spent money, you did this too'. And i did. I hereby stand up and admit to having had 200 pairs of really cute, vintage salt and pepper shakers. True fact. But just because you've continued to do the same thing for years doesn't mean its a good idea. Just because you've screwed up doesn't mean you have to continue on that path. Stop. Take stock. Learn your lesson and move forward. See what you have done and what you can do and make changes. And try not to beat yourself up too badly in the meantime. If something is not working for you, your family, your life, is it really a good idea to keep doing it?

I continue to be amazed how the universe provides for us. As one friendship closes, lessons are learned and new space opens up. New teachers move in as we move on. People for each stage of the journey come in as we continue to evolve. And sometimes the uncomfortable feeling of loneliness, accompanied by the knowledge that nothing lasts forever. That we can pass through the pain and see the sun again.

I have a shit ton of stuff I am getting ready to sell. I have heard that i should sell it all individually on ebay. That I would make more money that way. Its what I thought I was going to do even though i have been dreading it all along. I am an experienced ebay seller. I know what I should do. And I dont want to. I dont want to spend that much time, that much energy on stuff. I dont want to create that much waste on packing and shipping. I want to sell the stuff and be done with it. Im battling this. What I should do and what I want to do. I want to get rid of the stuff and make room for the work i want to do. I want to get the clutter out of the storage closet. I swear its cluttering my mind, even with the door closed. And as a friend pointed out the other night, Im tired. Its not like I just started out selling this stuff and downsizing. Ive been doing it for almost two years now. When i first started out I had the energy for ebay and I really, really needed the money. Now Im over it. Ive sold stuff every which way. Ebay, garage sales, estate sales, flea markets. Two years of stuff. Sure Id like more money but maybe it comes down to enough. I can get enough money for it. I can have enough. And enough with the stuff already. Damn.

Ill keep you posted.

I sit in my living room and type this on my computer, Nick Drake Radio on Pandora. My friend Mark rigged me up with my old pc (thanks Mark, you rock!). Its big and its slow but it was free and it works. And as long as Im using it its not in a landfill. Writing in my journal feels much more natural, but I am trying this.. The children are at school and I am putting off work. I am now the property manager of Anna's cabins. And as such have given my self a trial run as the resident handy lady. Its been fun being all bad ass walking around with a drill, installing smoke detectors in the nine houses. But i had a realization yesterday. Its time to look for work as an end of life companion again. Its calling me, the desire to be of service. Help me, help someone else. I sure had a good run of not working though.

I have been transitioning, coming out of spending a good bit of time hanging out in the forest with some friends, building a cob kitchen. It blows my mind what spending time in nature can do for the soul, at least I speak for mine. Sunday I took the kids to the arboretum. Its free and its beautiful. They loved it, got the differences in scenery, the change in earth to rock under our feet. Flowing water, dark with tannins. Ravines. Hills to run down. A little Oasis in a big city. Later we went to Family Fun Day (translation: Free) at MOCA. And then out to dinner. At dinner Aidan wanted a basket of chips which unbeknown-st to us is only brought free after 4. It was 3:50. We already had our food and he usually only eats about 4 chips. I did not feel this warranted the $2.50 and I said so. But Mom, its only $2.50. So we talked about that. About how 10 only $2.50s adds up to $25. How spending money is spending your time, or as Vicki Robins would say, 'life energy'. Poor kid only wanted a basket of chips. We waited till 4:00 and then i kindly asked for a basket of chips, which she kindly brought and Aidan ate 3.

And speaking of Vicki Robin, she is the co-author of "Your money or your life" and someone I admire. You can listen to an interview with her here, on The Kathleen Show. I thought it was a great interview and definitely worth a listen.

http://bit.ly/WoBJ9

Sinking ships and heads on fire

How did you decide or figure out that making the change you needed and wanted included leaving your old life and making a new simpler one?

The leaving the old life was a long and painful process. Time and tears, heartache and hope. The leading a simpler life came natural once i examined what i really needed and wanted. I thought that i didnt want a big career at this point in my life. I knew that i needed time to recover. I knew with all my heart that i needed to be emotionally and physically available for my children, that was my biggest thing. And i knew I wanted to enjoy this life I had been given. So, I did the math. I could live the life I wanted or I could spend alot of money.. We figure it out as we go along. I had not heard of the term voluntary simplicity until the Oprah article came out. I was just learning to accept myself as someone who wanted a more gentle lifestyle.

There was a definite lack of planning on my part. But like when the ship is sinking or your head is on fire, you cant really know what you will do. You dont really know what it will be like until you get there. I did what I could, what fortunately came pretty natural to me. The little house was waiting and everything else followed.

Greetings from heaven

Im sittin at Annas using the computer. The cicadas are singing, and out the window everything is green. we have had so much rain, everything is lush. I feel like I live in a tropical rain forest, and I like it! I have a little herb garden which i enjoy and I have been making delicious herb omlettes for breakfast each morning. I discovered local, free range eggs at Grassroots, our sweet, local health food shop in the hip part of town. I have a dream of having chickens but until then, thanks guys!

So, were havin fun. The kids started school last week. From their sweet little private Montessori school we are transitioning to a public school. So far, so good. Its bigger. There was a fist fight on friday. Its different. But they are making friends. Aidan has been spouting science non stop. Ellie is adjusting and seems happy. They are great kids. Its been raining and storming but Friday afternoon we finally got to walk all the way home from school. Though there had been much complaining from Aidan about this anticipated hike, when we got home his response was "well, that was awesome". We walked, we talked, we looked at mushrooms. (And litter, but well bring a bag for that..)

Im taking some time to work with friends and building a cob kitchen. Im learning so much, getting my exercise, hanging outside. I went for a long bike ride last night. Its still hot but the weather is changing. Its beautiful.

I am still without a computer so the posts are few and far between but Im working on that. And really once I get a computer I will start selling stuff on ebay so... for now im just enjoying myself, my children and this time, as best I can.

Retrospect

The Oprah episode that we were on aired again last week. The website had a link to the article, a new mini blurb and photo. Its funny how it brought some new attention, brought it up again. Mostly for me, it was a great time of reflection. Reading my words again. "I wanted to make a change, but i didnt know how you could go from this grand life in this big house and all this stuff to something simpler'.

Seems I figured it out. I realize 'dropping out' isnt for everyone but it sure has worked well for me. And in most respects for my children also. I found mention of my story on a really beautiful blog, Authenticmama. One of the writers friends, after reading the story in O magazine, commented 'yeah but we dont have the money to run off to the middle of nowhere'. And i wonder how many people came away thinking that. Understandable, really. Big house, former husband who was sucessful in business. But with that big house came a big mortgage. With that unhappiness came shopping and bills. So. When i left I had $2400 in my account (all from selling 'stuff''), and was only in the midst of lining up a job. But i was gasping for air and needed to save myself.

In this life I have more money in the bank than i ever did when married. Why? Because Im not spending it. This week for fun we went to two artwalks, a spring, and a neighbors pool. We even went out to dinner. All very inexpensive. Yesterday on my bike ride home from the bank (yes, depositing money) i came across a church sale where i spent $10. Homemade bread from a little old lady, and beautiful back to school clothes for my kids. A sweater from Limited too, never worn, fifty cents. Really nice, good quality clothes, fifty cents a piece. This is how I get to stay home with my children. This is how I have the time to mosaic, walk in the woods and hang out with friends. This is how I sleep at night knowing that I really am doing my part to reduce my impact on the environment. These are the choices I make.

My mom likes to shop. My mom loves to fix up her house. My mom works six days a week. But she likes her job and she likes spending money. She is aware of the trade off. Its a choice she makes.

I think thats what i most want people to realize. You have choices. If you want to reclaim your life, if you're not happy working five and six days a week, there is another way. If you feel guilty because our air is polluted, our landfills are full and our glaciers are melting.. If you cant sleep at night because of credit card bills.. Do something. Get off the consumer spending treadmill. Cook dinner at home with friends. Live the life you love so you dont have to spend a fortune to get away from it. Read a book. Go for a walk. Im telling you, it gets easier. It gets richer. I love this life. Im happier, I laugh more, I enjoy my family and friends. I sleep at night. Im learning so many new things. (I learned how to make cob (clay, sand, water) and im using it to grout my new mosaic). Im making new friends. I dont 'go shopping', I dont dye my hair. I dont follow the 'rules' put in place by marketing executives. I walk or bike whenever i can and I love it.

Last week somebodies response to my volunteer work was 'but you cant live on that, you need a job'. Dude. What I cant live on is living my life focused strictly on my own personal gain. When my children go back to school, Ill work again, put more money away. Fit working in around our life; instead of trying to cram living in, around my work.

In the interest of full disclosure and for those who are curious. As of July 1, I am getting set support from my ex husband. Its good. I can breathe easier. We will still live a very rich life on $1200-$1400 a month and put anything above that in the bank.

'Only a rat can win a rat race' -Michael Franti

By the way, I watched Affluenza with some friends the other night. If you havent seen it you can download it online. It just may inspire you, motivate you or re-enforce your decisions to simplify.